This bit was penned last year, when I was sure the world was coming to an end - well, mine, at any rate. My relationship was in peril, my familial issues were compounding that, I had no time or space to myself, that I felt was productive or safe, and I hit this soul-stunning wall of depression (yep, I said it) that seemed absolutely insurmountable. I wanted to quit; my job, my relationship, my responsibilities....LIFE. I wanted to curl up in a cave under a tree's roots, and weather out the winter, alone. In that yawning rift of despair, I wrote; to express, to expatiate, to escape, to learn better of myself and my situation, than I had previously tried to.
In an effort to understand how I got out of that hole, I'm sharing this. I'm also sharing in order to send an important message to anyone battling a multi-front war within - and from without - themselves: you can do this. You're not alone, and you are better than giving up, and worth the time and effort to keep going. So, here it is:
"When I should be plunking out another homework assignment, I am overridden by warring tides of feeling, set loose by a long night shift and not enough sleep. So, here I am, trying to work it through, in a format that, hopefully, will prove educational and explanatory, for some (not the least of which, may be myself).
The word "pain" is one that has defined me, of late. In trying to find ways around that, I have failed, miserably. Surely, there are those that are tired of hearing about it. I'm certainly tired of feeling noting but this dull ache. But then again, at least I'm still feeling, and there are moments of brilliant, warm, bright happiness, that I carefully package up, preserve, and tuck away, for later enjoyment. While I don't necessarily require a lot for maintenance, lately, I'm finding that boundary blurred, and my emotional maelstrom slopping waves with daunting frequency over the seawall barriers I've erected, over the years. This, I'm sure, has been draining for some that don't know me that well, and downright disturbing for those that do. Perhaps, a mix of both, for those two categories.
I can't really apologize, because I don't know how to be appropriately (or proportionately) sorry for the long series of curve balls and sliders that life has expected me to field, these past months. All I can do is reassure those that have stuck around, that I am, even if at a glacial pace, moving forward. In the manner of a determined tortoise, I am gathering the courage to take that next step, and set out to cross unfamiliar - and possibly, dangerous - territory.
Conversations with friends have been one-track, single focus, myopic, when it comes to the subject of how I've been. I am trying to fix that, but first, there are some hard decisions to be made, in order to do that. The sooner I figure this out and make my move, the sooner I can get around to healing, and regaining some levity. Unfortunately, "Life" plays more like a game of billiards, than one of chess, and things are seldom so neat and tidy.
Because I feel I'm too much of a mess for others to deal with, in general, I've retreated from the world, at large. There are about four people I interact with, real-time, on a semi-regular basis."
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When I stopped writing, here...it was because I'd run out of the ability to really quantify what I'd been going through, any more than I had. At this point, I'd had more than one discussion with my counselor about leaving my partner, and the complex emotions (one of those being absolute panic) that came with it. I had started a new job, and was just getting settled into that. Four months later, we started seeing an excellent couple's counselor who, unlike the first we went to, had no qualms about working with same-sex couples - a relief, because the first one turned out to be an absolute disaster.
With a lot of work, time and effort, and learning to better establish and defend my own boundaries, I became capable of defending my own space. The world outside my shell was no longer so dangerous, as it had seemed, and I felt capable of having a normal conversation, without being on the verge of tears all the time. D stepped up and made a real effort to try and understand who I had become, and how hard it was to deal with my family's problems and complications, on a day-to-day basis. She made sure to talk to me about things, rather than just assuming I knew what was going on, or how something I said or did, affected her. I made sure to try and listen to her observations with objectivity, and not take things so personally, when she did try to communicate.
My partner and I are close to finishing our counseling sessions, and we have learned how to talk to each other - communicate effectively, and more importantly, support one another. At some point, she finally realized that, sometime in my years out at remote sites, something in me got stuck...broken. I was unable to relate, the way I once did. It was hard to explain my actions, or reactions, because my behavior had been so thoroughly reshaped by living in an environment that was emotionally unsafe, for me.
Anyway, while this is a bit more personal and introspective than I usually let myself get, here, I thought I would put this out there.
It has taken a lot of time....almost a year, since I wrote this, to feel human, again. It has taken some real soul-searching, and telling people that are genuinely toxic and bad for me, good-bye. I have had to learn where my boundaries are at, and have, with even more difficulty, had to learn how to ruthlessly and unapologetically defend those borders. At thirty, I am defining my head space, my safe space, my time, body and mind, as MINE.
Will it take a lot of effort? Yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Find it in yourself to summon the courage, to peek out from around the walls you've built, and protect your space and needs. It might not be the absolute cure for whatever emotional turmoil you're going through, but having a safe haven to start from, certainly helps.
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