I've been absent, busy. I'm considering deleting this blog, because it captures some of the more depressing parts of my life. Then again, it's a marker of where I've been, and how far I've come. But that's what journals are for, generally speaking - handwritten volumes connected to no greater web of information, collecting dust somewhere until I feel the need for reflection and perspective. Still hemming on that. I'll probably back these posts up on a hard drive or something, and delete this and my other domain.
The rest of 2014 and the first months of 2015 have seen a shift in my standing on a number of things. Am I still vegan? Yes, but no longer of the "Level 5" variety. Meaning, if someone wants to have earnest discussion on my dietary ethics/or requirements, I am open to it, without judgement. Just be prepared to answer some hard questions of my own crafting (because, really, let's be fair). Still queer, too...but that should hardly be news. Still with my partner - it will be eight years in August, and has taken a good degree of work...but has been more than worth it. Still pursuing a career in the medical field - I switched gears and am pursuing an RT degree, with the eventual goal being PA. Might be seeing a major life change and shift in location, but I'll write on that, when it happens.
2015 has seen the unhinging of a beloved family member, and has left me at a loss as to how to deal with it - it is impossible to help someone who will not listen to reason, who has no grip on any logical reality, who cannot or will not take the first steps in helping themselves. Maybe it's not mine to figure out. Maybe there's nothing I can do. Maybe I just need to leave it alone, as heartbreaking as that conclusion is. Otherwise I risk losing myself and all progress I've made. Dramatic? Perhaps...but I have a lot of irons in the fire, and it's easy for me to exhaust myself - I do nothing by halves, will throw all of myself into something I choose to pursue. It's a compulsion of mine, and one that I have only been able to curb fractionally, over the years. In my early thirties, I've more-or-less given up on that, and decided to harness it for my own use and gain.
I'm no longer the safety net for so many; I've finally stopped being the anchor, rock, whatever. It's strange, almost weightless, and I find myself feeling directionless without that old heaviness to orient me. Even more gratifying has been the outpouring of support from my family members and friends (really, family) who understand just where I've been. I'll come back to being the "reliable one" - not like I ever stopped - but no longer at the total expense of my limited emotional and psychological resources. Certain of my family are having trouble accepting that, are still insisting that I can answer all their questions and solve all their problems...and I politely point them in the direction of resources and professional who really can help them. I am attempting to shed my savior complex; it's become damaging not just to me, but to my relationship with my partner, and my relationships with others.
I may or may not post here again. I'm not sure if anyone really cares whether or not I do, and that's okay. If this page disappears over the next few months, it's to be expected.
Good day :)