Hermits of the World...UNITE!

An Open Letter to a Mr. David Eccles Hardy, of the Mormon Church

2010-11-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

In regards to your letter to one Mr. Boyd Packer, I would like to congratulate you on trying to be such a supportive parent of an upstanding young man, gay or not. It must be/have been difficult.

Let me assure you that I will not impart any criticism that is not due, nor will I be overtly harsh, as I am wont to do. Though I am a homosexual individual, and an atheist, having had too much of what religions like yours propose would 'fix' me, I will attempt to be...kind. However, there is some re-thinking that you need to do. Granted, it has been a decade and more since that letter, but these lessons sometimes take a long time to learn.

First lesson: Your son is not an aberration. You seem to be on the road to embracing this. If, per your theology, god made humankind in his image, then your son must be cut of the same cloth. Why, then, must there be something wrong with your son? And you may want to study the Greek- and Hebrew-language origins of the Sodom and Gomorrah story. A hint: the sin of the denizens was not homosexuality, but lack of hospitality to travelers, which was a punishable crime in those days.

Second lesson: You do not have to lose your son in order for him to live a fulfilled, complete life as a good, upstanding person. Congratulate him - and yourself, on the fact that he has become such a considerate, sensitive individual. The world needs more like him, apparently. Encourage him to be himself, seek love - for life is incomplete without it - and BE HAPPY and at peace with himself. No one here - him, you, your wife, or your god (well, maybe your god...) is at fault, here. The only people that need be held responsible for anything are the misguided members of your faith that would spread a doctrine of hate and lies such that it catalyzes dozens of suicides in your area every year. And, if you believe that way, they will be the ones answering for it. Not you. Not your wife. Not your son.

As the oldest of four children, I was raised in a loving household, my mother a christian of no particular denomination, but instilling in us the tenets of being a good person, nonetheless. I may be an atheist, but I am not without a moral compass. I simply do not choose to call it "GOD", etc. And my mother accepted me. It took her a few months to come to terms with it, but once she realized she had done the best she could by me, she was simply happy that I had come to terms with myself as I am (I, too, courted suicide for some time), and that I had developed into an individual with the beginnings of a well-rounded, caring personality.

Third lesson: Sweeping generalizations will make no friends for you, on either side of the debate. The 'extreme gay lifestyle' you reference of 'anonymous casual sex' where your son would turn his back on 'church and family' to retain his sanity, simply does not happen in a good many cases.

Yes, there are sectors of the community that partake in those practices. I will not say it doesn't exist. On this subject, I am neutral; not everyone is comfortable or able to make a life-long, monogamous commitment to one partner. Everyone's different, and some of us - thanks, in large part, to organized religion and other cases of institutionalized bigotry - are simply incapable of allowing that kind of attachment to another person to form.

However, the homosexual/GLBT community, at large, is one of the most health/safety-conscientious groups in the U.S., regarding getting tested, practicing safe sex, etc. Your fears are not unfounded, but the likelihood of them coming to fruition is notably more slim than, say, forty years ago.

Also, as a homosexual person, I take offense to your generalizing the secular/non-religious GLBT community. We are not bad people. We are not out to 'recruit' your offspring, or whatever you would call them. And, we did not make a 'choice' to be this way. Nobody wakes up one morning and says, "I think I will choose to be discriminated against today". It just doesn't happen. So, why would we choose this? The only choice we have made, is to be happy with ourselves as we are.

The one other choice that the non-religious or non-believing portion of us have made, is to seek out reason, since religion/faith/dogma/GOD has done such a good job of taking what little we have of our self esteem, to begin with. In the case of many, this last choice is made to retain sanity; there is little enough of it to be had, in this life. And, as you so deftly pointed out in your letter to Mr. Packer, we aren't wanted anyway. So, why should we want (insert flavor of religion here)?

I hope you still have your son with you in THIS life. I hope that you, your wife, and your son still have a good, open, trusting and loving relationship with one another. I hope that he has found love and happiness and safe harbor. I hope that, one day, we will all wake up and realize that the power to hold dominion over human hearts and minds was never meant to be accorded to any grouping of men or people, be they labeled 'Prophet', 'Apostle', 'Bishop', 'Rabbi', 'Ayatollah', or otherwise. Absolute power, after all, corrupts absolutely, and the human heart, though resilient, will bleed; and the human mind, though durable and flexible, will shatter.

I hope, if you ever see or read this, you will take the words of a homosexual atheist - who just happens to be a good person - to heart, and think upon what you have read, above.

Kind Regards,

Me

=============================

The following letter was the basis for this post:

DAVID ECCLES HARDY

October 7, 1999

Elder Boyd K. Packer
President of the Council of the Twelve
47 East South Temple
Salt Lake City, Utah 84150

Dear Elder Packer:

Although we have met briefly before, it is through the context of my family that you would be able to place me. I am the younger brother of Ralph W. Hardy, Jr. and Clare Hardy Johnson, and the son of Ralph W. Hardy, Sr. and Maren Eccles Hardy. I most recently served as bishop of the Salt Lake University 29th Ward, Salt Lake University 5th Stake. My wife, Carlie, is the granddaughter of the late Elder Franklin D. Richards, and the great-granddaughter of President Heber J. Grant. I provide the context of our families and heritage for no purpose other than establishing the solid upbringing in the Gospel and the Church that my wife and I have both had. If you know the devotion to the Church of my brother Ralph and my late sister Clare, you know mine.

I write this letter out of the realization that to maintain my own personal integrity, I need to inform you of the personal heartache and damage you have to some degree been responsible for visiting upon my immediate family as the author of To the One. Although originally delivered by you as an address in 1978, the pamphlet To The One remains to this day the Church's most current and definitive written statement by a General Authority on the issue of homosexuality. It is available to the general Church membership and the public, and my wife and I have been referred to it numerous times as we have come to grips with this issue over the past few years. As one who has always been mindful of my Temple covenants, an unwavering believer, and a follower of my Priesthood leaders, this is not an easy letter to write. For me it represents an anguished "Crossing of the Rubicon." I hope you will take the time to read it, for in it I have invested my very soul.

Early on a Saturday morning six weeks ago, I watched as our car pulled away with my wife driving our eldest son to a new city, a new community, and a new school to complete his senior year of high school. Ever since that morning, I have grown progressively angrier that to protect our son's life and sense of self worth, we are compelled to send him away from our home and family. You see, this community of "Saints" we live in is so steeped in ignorance, fear, loathing, judgment and qualified "love" towards our son and those who like him face the challenge of homosexuality, he twice arrived at the point where he was devoid of hope and felt he had no alternative but to take his own life. Fortunately, he did not succeed. My son is not manic-depressive, nor was he ever before suicidal. He simply understands too well the Gospel and believed what his Seminary teachers and Priesthood leaders taught him about homosexuality, based upon the doctrine set forth in To The One.

My wife and I are the parents of six children - two daughters and four sons - ranging in age from twenty-three to eight. Our oldest son at age thirteen had the courage to come to us with his growing fear that he had no attraction whatsoever to girls - the thought in fact disgusted him - but that he was very attracted to those of his same sex. That he would come to us without fear or shame, confide in us, and seek our counsel attests to the strong relationship my wife and I have both always had with our son. (This is ironic in light of the "parental causation" theories routinely hauled-out by the Church's LDS Social Services counselors and Evergreen as the primary cause of homosexuality.)

This son was always spiritually mature for his age. He is the finest young man I have ever known - giving, loving, supportive, honest, reliable. Most definitely unselfish. A leader among his peers in his school and primary classes and in his Priesthood quorums. Since he was old enough to talk and walk, we were very much aware of certain differences that concerned us. He carried himself differently, walking and running. When we could get him to pick up a ball, he threw it differently. He spoke differently. He was not in the least interested in sports (in spite of countless practices and Saturdays we spent supporting him in sporting events that utterly disinterested him). He loved dolls and playing house. He loved music, literature, drama and poetry. He made friends easily with girls, but very rarely with boys. Carlie and I listened with hope to LDS counselors and leaders who dismissed or downplayed all of this as merely a "phase." We believed in and relied on them.

The years passed, but the "phase" didn't - this in spite of our doing everything recommended to us by LDS counselors, Priesthood leaders and, of course, the teachings of the General Authorities such as you (scarce as they are is on this subject). While we were assured by LDS counselors that this was little more than a correctable Pavlovian response and that "nothing could be easier to cure," and took hope in your confident statement in To The One: "When we understand fundamental moral law better than we do, we will be able to correct this condition routinely. . . ," matters went from bad to worse. One evening in 1997, while I was out of town and my wife was being assured by our well-meaning Stake President at his office that "if we just keep it quiet - the same as if someone in your family had committed adultery [our son had done nothing]- it will all be just fine, trust me . . . ," our son slit his wrists in his room at home. Earlier in the day, it had been the " Sodom and Gomorrah" lesson in Seminary.

As bishop of a student Ward at the University of Utah working with homosexual returned missionaries, I came to the painful realization that the "reparative therapy" practiced by LDS Social Services and organizations such as Evergreen (whose board of directors I then served on) was not merely ineffective, it was terribly damaging. In every instance I found that this "therapy" accomplished little more than driving these earnest brothers and sisters, desperate to believe that they would "change," deeper into self-loathing and despondency.

Their failure to "change" as promised them by you and other Priesthood leaders - a failure ultimately arrived at by each and every one of these young men and women who were honest with his or her situation - left only three realistic alternatives: (1) practice deceit as long as possible to remain in good standing with Church and family, (2) give up completely, abandon Church and family, and turn to the only community that will accept you - the gay community, or (3) commit suicide.

By your own admission, it is obvious that neither you nor the Church as a whole has yet arrived at "a better understanding of the fundamental moral law," because your understanding of it is leading and guiding the Church in this matter, and this "condition" is anything but "routinely corrected." In To The One you make the summary statement that "some forms of these treatments [reparative therapy] are of substantial help in about 25 percent of the cases" without offering any authority for this statistic. Where did this amazing (though still disheartening) statistic come from? Undoubtedly it came from the experts at LDS Social Services. Unfortunately, however, LDS Social Services must not follow-up on their patients over any extended period of time. My experience as bishop of a student Ward, the father of a homosexual son, and a friend and confidant to the many LDS homosexuals I have since become acquainted with, would indicate to me that in some few cases, the terrible guilt associated with reparative therapy and the strong desire to remain in good standing with the Church and one's family has brought about an ability to repress one's homosexual desires - for a season. Usually just long enough to get married and ruin a family. Perhaps this is the 25% you spoke of. The current publication for ecclesiastical leaders Understanding and Helping Those Who Have Homosexual Problems seems to recognize the realistic lack of curability in its statement:

"Marriage should not viewed as a way to resolve homosexual problems. The lives of others should not be damaged by entering a marriage where such concerns exist. Encouraging members to cultivate heterosexual feelings as a way to resolve homosexual problems generally leads them to frustration and discouragement."

However, the Church's confusion and struggle to make sense of this issue, and its tendency to downplay the lack of any real answers with a summary "and they all lived happily ever after" is apparent in the publication's utterly conflicting closing sentence:

"In some cases, heterosexual feelings emerge leading to happy, eternal marriage relationships."

Which is a Bishop or Stake President to do? Discourage cultivation of heterosexual feelings and marriage, or lend encouragement to and sign the Temple marriage recommend for the "cured" homosexual that is entering a happy, eternal marriage relationship? While I know from experience that much is left to the discretion and inspiration of the ecclesiastical leader, I also know that they are to look to an official publication specifically directed to them such as this for direction and guidance and give it much weight. But what is the counsel being given in this publication? Isn't it a bit confusing?

At the crux of the issue of homosexuality and the Church are the three great interrelated beliefs: (1) there is an element of choice involved in becoming and remaining homosexual, (2) it can be cured, and (3) our children and youth can be recruited or enticed into homosexuality. Every time we have sought out help for our son and family on this issue from Priesthood leaders or General Authorities we have been summarily referred to the experts at LDS Social Services. Because the lives and well-being of so many trusting individuals and family members are at stake here, it would seem that much stock is put in the expertise of LDS Social Services in this matter. Isn't it fairly obvious, though, that the "experts" you rely on at LDS Social Services to professionally corroborate and support the doctrine and policy of the Church would support whatever position you have mandated to be the only correct one? Such is the level of respect for and faith in the office you hold. In all honesty, to disagree with a member of the Twelve on a matter of doctrine is tantamount to heresy. I'm sure you are aware that the American Psychiatric Association has denounced "reparative therapy" for treating homosexuals as both ineffective and damaging. I find it ironic that when a fundamentalist religious group shuns sound medical intervention as a doctrine we find it appalling and backwards - yet when that same sound medical advice denounces the practice of "reparative therapy" we call it "worldly" false doctrine. I guess it all depends on just whose ox is being gored.

In To The One you preach that homosexuality is not innate, but is a curable condition. Your fundamental proof: God wouldn't make a mistake like this. By preaching this, you set the impossible goal of "cure" as the standard to which my son must hold himself responsible, as must his family and all other Church members. Until he chooses to do what he must to be "cured," he hasn't done enough. He will never have done enough. He will always come up failing in the most fundamental aspect of his entire existence as a child of his Heavenly Father. He is a pervert, an aberration, and an abomination. There is nothing left in this life or the next. How would you deal with this if you were him? Homosexuality is not a "condition" that can be "cured." My proof: I have yet to meet even one venerable grandfather with a fine posterity (or anyone else for that matter) who says he was once homosexual but was long ago cured - and my experience as a father observing my son from birth.

Perhaps the most hurtful aspect of To The One is your revelation that the fundamental reason why my son has not been "cured" is because of his selfishness. When I inform other people that this is actually what you preach in To The One, they are incredulous (members included). They respond "Obviously you have misread or misconstrued what Elder Packer said." You are well aware that this is precisely what is said. As one who knows my son and his heart better than you, your doctrine that my son's selfishness is at the core of his ability or inability to be cured of his homosexuality is offensive in the extreme, and evidences the lack of any meaningful inquiry into this issue beyond the application of pure dogma. In saying this it is not my intent to offend you. It is, simply, incredible that you could hit upon anything quite so insensitive and ignorant of the facts. Indeed, my son is the most unselfish and Christ-like person I know. This holds true for most of the LDS homosexuals I know well. They have to be to keep trying.

Your doctrine of "choice" and "curability" is also at the core of why the Church and its members in reality view my son and those like him as latter-day lepers. If homosexuality (1) is not inborn, (2) has an element of choice, and (3) can be cured - then it must be able to be taught or suggested. Others must also be susceptible to being enticed or recruited. Our children are capable of being infected by these people and not becoming mothers and fathers. It is, therefore, a frontal assault on the family. The "hate the sin but love the sinner" platitude cannot disguise the fact that in reality the members of the Church are taught to loathe and fear our son and those like him. This qualified and synthetic "love" is nothing more than the few alms hurriedly and begrudgingly parted with to salve the Christian conscience, while never once entertaining the idea of actually descending into the leper pit. We would never expose our children to this for it might infect them. If sexual orientation is a matter of choice, when exactly did you choose to be heterosexual? When and how often did you reaffirm your choice to stay that way? Why aren't my other children, who idolize their brother, even the slightest bit interested in adopting a homosexual "lifestyle" or in homosexual experimentation? Why would anyone choose to be an abomination and an outcast? It defies reason.

Last week a dear friend (formerly a bishop) reassured us that he still loved our son "even if he has made a choice to be this way." My son did not choose to be this way. This type of "love" born of duty and pity for his abominable choice acts like a slow but virulent cancer on our son's self-esteem. It is for this reason we have found it necessary to send our son away from the community of the "Saints."

As the Church "progresses" on this issue, what we are hearing more and more from Priesthood leaders today is the idea that our son is acceptable so long as he practices life-long chastity. That is, of course, actually called celibacy, and while it's a convenient idea to advance, in practice it is virtually impossible to live. The distinction between chastity and celibacy seems always to be overlooked by Church leaders. You may recall that in his somewhat recent newspaper interview in California, President Hinkley compared the plight of homosexuals to that of the single sisters in the Church. To paraphrase, he said that the Church doesn't ask homosexuals to do anything it doesn't also ask of its other single adult members - to live chaste lives. But this simply isn't true. As a former bishop I have firsthand experience. We openly love and support our single brothers and sisters. We give them important callings - especially with out youth and children. We urge them to date, to flirt, to get crushes, to fall in love, to marry. We sponsor Ward and Stake activities and dances to get them together to accomplish this. We ask them to be chaste - until they find someone to share their life and intimacy with. We go out of our way to give them something of immeasurable value in the struggle to keep the law of chastity - hope - hope that no matter how difficult this emotional and physical loneliness is, it is temporary. For those with the least control over their situation, our single sisters, we give special encouragement and hope that they will find love, emotional intimacy and fulfillment in this life - and if not, certainly in the next.

We do not knowingly give homosexuals important callings - especially not with our youth or children who would be at risk of being infected and recruited. We forbid them ever to flirt, to date, to get crushes, to fall in love, to have a legally-recognized monogamous relationship. The image of a Tri-Stake Gay and Lesbian Gold-and-Green Ball is amusing. We ask them to be chaste - forever. No hope at all. The question of sexual intimacy aside - can you imagine having being denied the ability to become attracted to, flirt with, get a crush on, hold hands with, steal a kiss from, or fall in love with you wife? With all trace of romantic love and emotional intimacy denied you, with what would you fill the void to hold at bay a life of loneliness, emptiness, and despair?

We do have at least one historic example to look to. The Catholic Church has attempted to enforce celibacy on its clergy throughout the ages with success at some level (although we will never know what level). With what did they replace the emotional void? They had the love and adulation of the church membership, and authority and power. They were, in fact, the Bishops, Stake Presidents, and General Authorities. They were held next to deity - and their record is less than stellar. Imagine the celibacy success rate of a group defined by a loathsome and abominable "condition."

Imagine also, for a moment, if you were to stand up in front of the freshman class at BYU and announce that everyone present was being given a special calling to live a celibate life from then on. How many do you think would really be able to do it? How many empty and guilty lives and suicides would result? The Church has never taught the principle of celibacy. As a parent, I don't have the slightest idea how to begin teaching it. There are no manuals, no courses, no "For the Strength of Celibate Youth" cards to carry. There are no Priesthood, Relief Society, Sunday School, or Primary lessons on celibacy. On the other hand, following the teachings of the Church, we have raised our children in a home filled with open love, intimacy, loyalty and commitment between a couple. Our children know Carlie and I adore each other, and they want and need the same thing in their lives.

I never thought I would say this, but as a father given the choice between (a) my son's suicide, (b) his complete abandonment of the Church and embracing of the extreme gay culture with its emotionally debilitating and physically dangerous practice of anonymous casual sex, or (c) living in a committed, monogamous relationship for the rest of his life practicing the Gospel virtues of love, commitment, and fidelity we have taught in our home, I would have to pick the latter. The Church, however, is now doing all in its power to prevent that. Presumably, it has a better alternative - one that works on something other than a dogmatic and theoretical level.

Then again, perhaps my son is simply a casualty of war - acceptable "collateral damage" in an eternal plan and struggle in which by the luck of the draw he has no relevance or place. The Gospel has always been easy to have faith in and follow because it made real sense and worked in our lives. This would make no sense. And the current doctrine, as set forth in To The One is not working for our family. I can't tell you how strange and difficult this is. It's like we woke up one morning on a different planet. In our greatest time of need as a family, the Church has failed us and abandoned us - and through the convenient but hurtful doctrine of parental causation, complicity and guilt it directly promotes (evidence the article in September's Ensign), it kicks us while we are down! I know this is only one of many issues that the Brethren deal with, and certainly not at the top of their list, but for us it has become our universe. We live in this issue twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and must raise our children through it by our best lights. And there are many more like us in the Church. Parents like us are ultimately forced to make a hopeless decision: abandon our homosexual children, or turn from the Church. "Not so," you say. You would never know unless you walked in our shoes.

My brother, Ralph, asked me at one point "What would you have the General Authorities do about this issue?"

I wish that someone in authority would have the compassion and the courage simply to own up publicly to the fact that this is a difficult issue about which we just don't have many answers.

I wish someone in authority would publicly urge the members to withhold their judgment and condemnation, accept those like my son into their midst, and have true compassion and love for those who through no choice of their own will deal with the issue of homosexuality all of their lives.

I wish someone in authority would publicly assure the members that by withholding their judgment and condemnation and showing acceptance and real love, they won't get leprosy, nor will their children be at risk - that the divine concept of Family will not be compromised or weakened, but that real families with real issues will in fact be strengthened.

I wish that someone in authority would recognize that To The One was an effort twenty years ago by a very good man to address a difficult issue in the context of the time in which it was written, and pull it from circulation.

Elder Packer, I have never been one to question, demand, or "kick against the pricks." I am a follower, a believer, an obeyer. But I can no longer wait patiently while the Brethren try to figure this issue out at the cost of my son's life, and the lives of others like him.

Respectfully,

David Eccles Hardy

Vise-grips

2010-10-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

...or "Neighborly America is Scared of its Own Shadow".

A couple nights ago, I was rebuilding the water pump in the cabin my partner and I live in. I was down to the last piece that had to be replaced, and realized I would not get the job done without a good pair of small channel-locks or vise-grips. Of course, I went searching for some, and found none. Not in any of the car-kits, or the household tool-kits. An Alaskan home, without at least one pair of these? Blasphemy! But, there I was.

So, I checked the time (just past eight p.m.) and went to my nearest neighbor's house to borrow one or both of the aforementioned items.

To put things in perspective, I live on a quiet dirt road in an area twelve miles from the major population center. Most of the denizens of my street are Very Capable Alaskan Women That Do Not Depend on Men, Even if They Date Them. Yes, capitalizing that title was necessary. This is important to note, because, upon knocking on my (female) neighbor's door, and upon her answering it (after unlatching at least two locking devices), she told me that I'd scared her, and that she never got knocks on her door from anyone, for any reason, in all the years she'd lived on this street.

Living in the middle of, more or less, nowhere, and being afraid of a light knock on her door? No, this is not a rant. I am just sorry to see things like this on a day-to-day basis. People ask me why we need stricter gun control laws (do you REALLY need that AR-15?)... I wish I had something like this for an answer every time. I wish I were that quick, to bring something like this up, when that question was asked. People should not have to be afraid of answering their doors at a reasonable hour in the evening.

Violent crime is sensationalized in this country - in the movies, in video games, on TV...it's a major topic of discussion, one way or another. Every last Second Amendment/Constitutional Rights enthusiast I know brings up the, "but what if there's a Shooter Situation?" possibility. And you know what? If semi-(and sometimes fully-) automatic firearms were not readily available to the public, if gun safety training and thorough background checks and psych evaluations (or their equivalent) were necessary to obtain a firearm, would we even be having this discussion?

I understand the basis for the Second Amendment. I respect it. I also understand that the United States of America was a very, very different place upon its birth from fire, flames and bombs. Guns were necessary at the time, because of hunting for food, because of the possibility of other nations trying to take advantage and/or invade the fledgling country that was emerging - never mind the fact that they were more frequently used to oppress and repress the Natives who we'd so recently pushed from their own soil, all for what was to be named 'Manifest Destiny'.

However, guns and weapons are being used to wage an all-too-different war on our streets, now...and the time has come to realize that there are very few practical applications for guns, and even fewer justifications for owning things that can only be classified as 'Things To Kill People With'...because that's all a handgun is. That is the only thing an Uzi or a Howitzer or an AR-15 was developed for. And if I really wanted to get nit-picky about it, that is ALL that guns were EVER developed to do! Hunting came later, when people got tired of trapping, snaring, tracking and killing animals with less automated machinations.

To paraphrase Eddie Izzard, "The NRA says 'Guns don't kill people; people do'. Yeah, but the gun sure helps; you'd have to be pretty dodgy on the heart to fall over dead from someone going 'BANG!'".

I contend that, with more limited access to weapons, overall, this world would be a safer, more neighbor-friendly place to those of us just needing a pair of vise-grips. And yes, they did do the trick in helping me rebuild the water pump.

The Headache that is Dietary Choice

2010-04-29T09:40:00.001-07:00

It has come to my attention that being vegan is expensive in Seward. Not because tofu is expensive, but because of shipping, etc. All the more reason for me to begin buying my own soybeans and read up on making my own tofu a bit more. I can't wait to get back to Fairbanks. I can't believe I just said that. Ah well, considering my entire life is there, it's rational, I suppose.

In other news, I am tired of getting the 'but how do you get protein?!' or, 'how do you LIVE without CHEESE?!?' comments. To the first, very carefully, with much skill and finesse. To the second, if you had the dairy-related sinus issues I had, you would NOT be asking this question. And I don't particularly enjoy eggs, nor do I care for meat, whether it swam, clucked, flew, or walked/slithered/crawled on dry land. I also love my veggies and fruits, and there are ways to make tofu look and taste like cheesecake :P So there.

Now, off to work with me. I have much to do today, and very little (relative) time to do it in.

...I want one!!!

2010-04-28T14:54:00.001-07:00

A shot of the library in Stockholm, Sweden. I wonder if they'd let me pitch a tent behind the stacks if I promised to be good...?

(you will have to click the image to see the rest of it...for some reason, I can't edit the size properly)

Of Longing...

2010-03-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

Distance (for D) 20 March 2010

Moments captured in thought,
Feelings crystallized in verse...
Needing you and missing you
is where I find words first.

Time ever ephemeral,
Slides like so much silt...
And longing ever deepening,
is buried to its hilt.

Words are all we have,
These many miles away...
Communication tricky
at the end of a long day.

Frustration, I find expressed,
Less a sentiment, more feeling...
Trust, I hope, a constant,
our bond ever sealing.

My self, however willing,
Desire, flesh and bone...
These I promise you,
Are yours and yours alone.

--C.Swartz

On Health Care Reform

2009-12-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

Following the health care debate, et cetera, and I have to say, as a person that works with (and within) the system that is Medicaid, it is all the legislators' fault. Yes, politicians. This has been nicely outlined by each little whittling-down by each little interest group. Somehow, we have gone from 'affordable health care for all', to '...except for abortion coverage, and - by the way - women can't purchase abortion with their own money on the public option', to 'this bill is worse than the system we have right now'.

Yes, you read correctly. The bill, as it stands, is worse than useless. Put it this way - quit pandering to special interests (i.e. anti-choice activists, insurance corporations and Big Pharma), and make your primary concern....YOUR CONSTITUENTS. Heaven forbid you, the legislators, senators, representatives, politicians, actually DO YOUR JOB, and represent your constituents. Not just your constituents, but their best interests, both expressed and not. Forget any political agenda. Forget the next election season and lining your own coffers for that 'rainy day campaign fund'. Leave the side-groups out of it, and focus on the problem - and a probable solution to it.

And if I have to start quoting Medicaid Policy to prove my point, I will. But first, I'd like to see some actual results out of the people my tax dollars pay to come up with this bullshit that they dare to tag as 'health care reform'.

End rant.

On Optimism

2009-04-07T02:14:00.000-07:00

For I have dipt into the future,
Far as Human eye could see;
Saw the Vision of the World,
And all the wonder that would be...

On Professionalism

2009-03-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

So, I work for a company that, for the time being, shall remain nameless. It is a fairly widespread company (in Alaska), and as part of my job description, I perform phlebotomy.

I have been called into the office on a number of occasions for my lack of professionalism. At least, that's what it's being called. However, whenever I give my supervisors feedback, they go on the defensive, almost without fail. Professionalism? At this point, the meeting becomes less and less about what is professional, and degenerates quickly into the game of 'Who's Right'. In spite of any rational argument or point of view I may put forth, all I get from them is 'you're not professional', or 'you're not holding yourself accountable'. Accountability is a favorite word these days. Sometimes I'm unsure that my supervisors know what that means.

In regard to professionalism, I handle myself with every bit of the integrity that I handled myself with when I was working as a student officer at UAF. That my supervisor's orders are not clarified to the point that I cannot execute the desired tasks without asking them two or three times what, exactly, did they mean, is not my problem. And yet, all I hear from them is 'you're not holding yourself accountable'. Where, may I ask, is the way out of this impasse? If I am asking for clarification of work requests in order that I don't screw up, how is that not being accountable for my actions? In fact, one may argue that I'm not only holding myself accountable for my actions, but for the actions and requests of my supervisors, as well. I guess the expression 'shit rolls downhill' is very true, in this case.

In any case, I am leaving. I have been putting in for jobs throughout the region, and my employment record speaks for itself. Eventually, I'll find a position that I am at ease with, and supervisors that aren't looking for excuses to fire me. That is all.

On Schizophrenia

2008-12-12T14:10:00.000-08:00

I am what is called a secondary custodian for my sister, who was diagnosed with schizophrenia when she was about sixteen years old. This means that, should anything happen to my mother, I am put in the difficult position of trying to take care of my own affairs, plus the ever-advancing complexity of my sister's (thanks, in large part, to our illustrious government). Why am I writing this? Because it needs to be said.

I am putting this out for discussion, or perhaps just to make myself feel better, because I have come to realize that people with differing ethnicities or/and sexual orientations, et cetera, are not the only people discriminated against. They are not the only ones used as a political gaming chip.

I see stickers, magnetic ribbons, everywhere that say things like 'support our troops', 'support autism awareness', 'stop domestic violence', and a number of other simple and equally powerful statements and one-liners. On the other hand, I see stickers that say 'I hear voices, and they don't like you'. While I think it would be funny if they were actually being sported by somebody who had come to terms with their diagnosis and was able to joke about it, I get awfully sick of seeing people with diagnoses similar (because they are rarely 'like') to my sister's demonized on shows such as Law and Order one minute and made fun of the next. For these people, it is often a frightening - or sometimes just annoying - reality. I also get sick of hearing 'those poor people', as though they don't have a brain of their own. Nine times out of ten, individuals with schizophrenia are at least on the same level, if not above it, as your average educated individual.

These are people with minds of their own, however different they may be. They do not need to be locked into closets - either physical or metaphorical - they do not need to be medicated to the point they simply sit and drool on themselves. They need compassion, they need to have their cases researched, they need progressive research done, and they need to not be used as test bunnies for the latest, shakily-approved antipsychotic that the FDA is pushing this year.

What really pisses me off is that it's not talked about. You say the word schizophrenia, and suddenly every jackass who has had a PSYCH101 class is an expert, spouting generalizations and blanket terms and sometimes things that are only true in a tiny percentile of cases as though it were the Sermon on the Mount. However, reverse the situation, put it or any of the schizoid or schizo-affective disorders on the table for discussion in the political arena, and the topic gets changed in an awkward segue, or is simply ignored. I for one have yet to see or hear of anyone important outside of (one of the many of that abbreviation) the APA address this issue. Are we blind? These people need our caring, compassion, and willingness to help in any way we can, up to and including willing to stay out of the way.

Does this mean give 'crazy people' free reign? No. However, contrary to popular belief, very few schizophrenic individuals are actually - if at all - violent. If you're going to be 'an expert', do some god-damned research! I would recommend 'Surviving Schizophrenia', for starters. This is Drakona, signing off.

Politics? FACTS!

2008-10-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

So, it has come to my attention that we are - yet again - in an election year. Oh, perhaps that's the wrong turn of phrase? It has been shoved down my throat, every second of every day, that we are now in an election year. Better.

For the politicians out there, particularly the ones clamoring to be elected to a seat or office of the wonderful locale that is Alaska: STOP SMEARING EACH OTHER! I'm tired of hearing it, everyone else is tired of hearing it. There are many of us who take great civic pride in actually making our voices heard (not that it actually counts, these days...re-count, anyone?) that are looking forward to Election Day - not to vote, but to get the damned infomercials to STOP. NRA this, ANWR that...hot button issues and your little clubhouses aside, what are you actually going to DO? Where is your political resume? I wish to see your track record. Screw all the strong emotions shit. That's what got us into the mess we're in now! Proud to be an American? Not with the not-so-recent turn of events. Not these days.

Cut the hype about The War, Gun Issues, Gay Issues (we're tired of being used as a political gaming chip, anyway), Abortion, Choice vs. Life, and all the other bourgeoisie bull. I'm tired of hearing 'He did this', 'She did that', or the ever more popular 'Well, that's a good idea, and I'll improve on it by...'. And CHANGE? Please. I'm not seeing change. I'm seeing more and more of the same. How about THIS:

Separate Church from State. For real, this time. No more faith-based initiatives, no more using your religious moral conscience to say what's right and wrong. How about actual, non-deity-based ETHICS? If you need help figuring this out, the University of Alaska, Fairbanks offers a wonderful course called Ethics and Society (PS300X). I urge you to look it up and challenge your way of thinking. This goes for you, too, Obama. I like ya, I'll probably vote for ya, but only 'cause you're the lesser of two evils. As far as your 'gay marriage' proposal, not impressed. Equal rights mean EQUAL RIGHTS. So, either knock out marriage altogether, for everyone, and create a new equal, across-the-board status of civil union, or allow those that are not heterosexually inclined to get married. It's just a word, an idea (once a trade system for possession of riches and land), a concept. It is and should not be the 'carrot' for joining the Clubhouse of the Morally Righteous.

Soapbox ended, for now. I leave you with this:

We pray to so many lithic gods -
What happens when we cease?
The rich defy their principles,
Their minds and bellies at ease.

Holiness, O Holiness -
Why hath Thou forsaken me?
I live as well as I know how...
What is this suffering done unto me?

I would believe...would I believe,
Could I believe justice be done.
But the Many pay while the Few play -
This war be far from won.

Change, change, all speak of this -
Aspiring leaders, religious preachers.
But change, naught but a slogan,
A chant shouted from the bleachers.

---work in progress (c) C.Swartz 13.10.2008

Goats!

2008-08-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

The Fair is here in Squarebanks...which means livestock shows. I know that I should wait until I am settled and have my own little slice of acreage to put animals on, but I want milk goats sooooo badly! They're my favorite livestock animal. That's right, folks; not horses, cows, pigs, chickens or sheep. Goats!

So, I am avoiding the Fair until my partner gets back in town, so I don't do something foolish like BUY a goat. That, I think, would be an awfully hard pet to keep. My landlady has goats. Perhaps she'll allow me to help out from time to time to get my 'goat fix'. They're such cute, useful, smart little critters. Goats!

Someone has advised me against ever buying Netherlands Pygmy goats, as they "have hooves like suction cups and can get out of just about any enclosure you can build". This I must see. Perhaps not experience firsthand, but I would like to see it. I would also like to get goats that have hair long enough to spin into wool. Ah, my craft-y side is coming out these days. I should just settle down and become a farmer out in the boonies. Heh.

GOATS!

Screwed. Period.

2008-07-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

To the person that skipped out and left me with the remainder of packing, cleaning, and garbage disposal of a cabin that you trashed, thanks. After giving you a break on the rent - completely - and later, the bills, this is how you repay me and what you term my 'decency'. I understand needing or wanting sex NOW, and I understand being busy and car-less (your bike is still there, btw, if you want to pick it up), but after biking 50 miles a day to get to and from a full, biohazard-filled workday, plus errands, I still manage to make sure my responsibilities (sealing the foundation on a house, fixing a bike, a head gasket on a car, to name the big ones) are taken care of. ESPECIALLY when someone else is counting on them. And I still manage to go out and have the occasional beer whenever I have the time.

As to the excuse that I'm strong enough to pull all that off, physically, and you are not, because of this condition and that condition...I understand having life hard, but when I look at you, I see someone physically strong and capable, if you would only allow yourself to remove the mental lock on your abilities and see yourself for what your amazing potential can achieve. I wasn't born an athlete...I played sports, ran races, conditioned, and continue to ride my bike to and from whenever I can. Like mathematics or the consecutive study of anything, it builds on itself. You don't just 'get there' overnight. It takes time, effort, hard work, and above all, patience and follow-through.

You're a good person, but you have the nasty habit of thoughtlessly burning bridges. This one is about to collapse under its own charred, gutted-by-fire weight. I hate to do this, but until I receive, at very least, a sincere apology from you, preferably accompanied by some help with the deposit, I do not want to hear from you. Not that I'm putting a price tag on friendship, but financially, you essentially passed on the destitution that your ex-spouse left you with in the divorce this spring. I will help you, and I will care for you until the end of time, but I tolerate being used in the fashion that you have abused me and my trust, from absolutely no one. Life is too short. Do not ask me for help unless one or both of the above happen. I currently am without the resources.

"So, What Do Lesbians DO in Bed, Anyway?"

2008-06-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

The above question tells me that the person asking it is - CLUELESS. There's an idea. To me, it's paramount to asking 'how do you go about pleasing a woman, sexually?' If you don't know, chances are, you need to read a book or three BY women ABOUT sex, and then find a willing guinea pig. The second part WILL be harder than the first, I'm afraid.

In other news, how is it that my wearing a sports-tank top (you know, the Under Armour kind - a sports-bra built into a tank top) is being 'almost naked'?! I was informed by my male co-workers (that would be ALL of them) that I shouldn't 'parade around almost naked'. Excuse me? It's eighty-five fucking degrees! Heaven forbid, the dyke - who is muscular, in shape, and not a bad catch, as it so happens - should want to cool off! On that same note, who says I WANT to see mens' harry chests, bellies, nipples, et cetera?! NOT a two-way street! Bleah! You'd think they'd learn to not bitch, except - oh, wait - 'lesbian' means 'look, don't touch'...too bad. Looking's not enough, eh? *sigh* I'll just continue to sweat to death...actually, the sweating isn't what bugs me. It's out-and-out overheating. I am built for a much more temperate climate than this.

Point of this little post? Sexism is alive and well. I have been receiving deferential treatment at work because I'm 'the girl'. Pisses me off, since I can actually out-lift at least a third of the crew. I'm not exactly a weakling. 'Don't do that, I'll get it', or 'That's too heavy', or 'No, really, I have it - just open the door', when you're obviously having trouble even speaking because the weight you're carrying is just that heavy is pretty ridiculous when I can at least help out by splitting the load. Wake up, men...women aren't as weak as you think. Want me to prove it? Next time, we'll see who lifts whom to their shoulder.

Edumakated!

2008-05-14T14:56:00.000-07:00

I graduated 11 May. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. The Mumsy and my baby sister came up to attend commencement with me. Have to say, no matter what I achieve in the future, I don't think I'm ever going to do THAT again. 4 HOURS of listening to blowhards go on and on about my class' accomplishments. We KNOW we're good...can we just get our diplomas and get it over with?! In other news, it was one of the shorter ceremonies I've had the pleasure of attending, so there's a plus.

The roomie racked up a HUGE energy (fuel and electric) bill in the three to four weeks that I wasn't living there...love her to death, but I may ask that she cut back on the TV just a bit. Depending on how things go, she will probably be moved out by the end of next month; I explained to her that I just need space right now.

Started the new job on Monday. Go in for a UA sometime today so I can drive their Class B rig for them. Not too bad, if you ask me. I like the job, it's laid-back. However, it's a bit TOO mindless for me, so I am now avidly considering applying for grad school for the Northern Studies program...or looking for a job/career in my field, here, while I wait for my partner to finish her master's research. Hmmm....decisions, decisions. I'm on-campus now; might as well stop by the sixth floor and find out what 'interdisciplinary' means for this program. Until next time!

Settling?...no.

2008-04-29T08:10:00.000-07:00

So, as soon as my life is made sense of and everything seems okay, something goes drastically wrong. Well, not wrong...just...awry. Yes, that's a good word. I love that word. Hmmm...words. Yummy.

Anyway, my life with my current roomie, is, unfortunately, far more cluttered than I would like. However, it's sounding like there is someone else willing to move in with her, or at least sort of cohabitate with her. And I need...CRAVE space. Have been hoping to live alone, plus or minus a cat, dog, and perhaps a few several-times-a-week visits from a significant other. I am now endeavoring to make this a reality without hurting anyone involved, financially or otherwise. I want a little space, a cabin, perhaps, to call my own, put posters up in (or not), and furnish as much or as little as I want (I prefer something many others would call 'Spartan' or minimalist). Mmm....minimalism. Okay, back to the paper-writing. Making progress! WOO!

Don't Stare

2008-04-09T14:10:00.000-07:00

For my comfort of being, of self, my mode of dress, my haircut, my personal choices of individuality, I am rewarded with rude stares for nonconformity. This country, built on the ideal of freedom of expression (never mind the fact that it was freedom of RELIGIOUS expression), proscribes standards of appearance, modes of dress, of 'normalcy'.

Go ahead. Stare. Take a good, long, soul-bending look. I. Am. A. Genderfuck. I am androgynous. I like my body built strong, my hair short, my clothes loose (but not too loose) and comfortable. I also like wearing dresses, on occasion, singing, art, creating and viewing. I appreciate so much of this life, all the differences we, as humans, produce for our own existence. Even when those differences disagree with my own. But for fuck's sake, even if I disagree with religious dogma, nationalism (which there is a more-than-healthy dose of here in the U.S.), I DO NOT STARE.

I do not presume to try and intimidate others into being what I might wish them to be (open-minded, more accepting, pro-gay, pro-choice, more liberal or at least middle-of-the-road). Sooooo.....STOPPIT!!! I do not presume to change those of you that tell me on a daily basis that I'm going to hell. No matter how tempting it may be, I don't taunt and bait you with Left-wing lines and see how red your face gets...or how high you jump...or how much you might sputter in search of strong, converting, convincing and witty lines to get me to repent and change my evil ways. The least you can do is afford me that same courtesy, agree to disagree, say 'good day', smile and move on. Or don't smile. But don't stare. It's rude, and all the jackasses that stare at me are just being hypocritical; even MY mother taught me better, and I was raised in the ever-dreaded agnostic household. Jeeez!

Graduation

2008-03-31T16:15:00.000-07:00

Bogged down paperwork and things. I mean, I just got my candidacy paperwork back from the UAF Graduation Office. Are all things backed up on this campus, or is it just me? I'm glad that I have my robe and tassle ordered; also glad that I actually made it to candidate status. All things considered, something seems backwards....

That is all.

A Simple Proposal...

2008-03-14T18:19:00.001-07:00

Just make the more harmful means of production, building materials, growing food, et cetera more expensive (or illegal) than the organic, natural, and sustainable/green ones, already! Geez!

UAF Admin

2008-02-05T09:19:00.000-08:00

(UAF logo courtesy of www.uaf.edu)

How is it that administration at this university are fully capable of cutting funding (in some cases, retroactively), but seem fully INcapable of finding funding? Why is it that there is approximately one administrator per every 20-30 students (or less) at this university, and so few of them seem capable of writing grant proposals?

Have people like Chancellor Jones forgotten that it is STUDENTS who pay his paycheck, ultimately, and therefore he should consult us before taking a 'joyride' in the fiscal vehicle that is our hard-earned cash? If the Athletics Department is having so much trouble with funds, let them fundraise. There are grants for just about everything else out there, why not athletics programs at State-funded universities?

Honestly, there are other departments that would benefit a far broader spectrum of our campus community, such as any of the student employment programs. Has anyone noticed the drop in the number of desk attendants (DAs) and their hours at the doors of dorms? How about less frequent visits from Community Service Officers (CSOs)? Granted, not ALL student jobs may be in jeopardy, but these two examples are those of unwise budget cuts to programs that are NOT expendable to this campus community, for reasons that should be painfully obvious. If not, I will be happy to illustrate for the readers:

- DAs prevent unlawful entry and keep track of guests hailing from both on- and off-campus, so in case a repeat of the 2002-'03 fiasco occurs, they can again notify the proper authorities. For those of you not here in 2002-'03, a group of greater than five army personnel from Fort Wainwright overpowered a DA to gain entry to Moore Hall, and then systematically tried doors in an attempt to gain access to womens' dorm rooms.

- CSOs, while many might see them as an annoyance, keep stuff like (several hundred dollar) projectors in Gruening from disappearing every day, thus saving the University - and by proxy, the students - lots of money in equipment, if not vandalism, personal property or other things. Consistent with patrolling is the deterrence of many would-be thieves.

The University Police Department, while composed of officers instructed and trained to acknowledge and recognize the diverse needs of a university campus, simply cannot handle the workload of many of the smaller things that the DAs and CSOs collectively take care of for them, on top of investigating cases ranging anywhere from petty theft to sexual assault. That is why these programs were put in place:

1) to aid the Police Department in securing the campus and keeping its inhabitants safe.
2) to give something back to the students involved in the form of a steady paycheck.
3) to give back to the UAF campus community, as a whole.

Your DA can call a CSO for you to be escorted to and from your destination(s) if it's late at night and you feel unsafe walking alone.

Your CSOs provide the following after hours services (free) when Parking Services has gone home for the day:

- jump start
- unlocks for offices
- unlocks (otherwise known as lockouts) for vehicles; a cost of $20-$70, depending on who is called and what time of day or night it is
- foot or vehicle escorts from place-to-place if one feels it's necessary

If these two (and most likely, several others that I have failed to mention) student job programs can offer so much to their participants and community, how is that something that benefits far fewer in a substantial manner, like the Athletics Program, gets the ill-begotten funding that our administrative staff plucks so carelessly from ALL students' pockets? No offense meant, but I have never been to a Nanooks sporting event, nor do I care to go...I'm too busy trying to finish my degree, and would rather play a game of pool to ease the tension. I have a similar story regarding the 'transportation' fee, but that's for another time.

In short, there are two lessons:

1) ASK the students before you purloin their pocketbooks (that means we at least get a vote or something of the sort)

2) Student job opportunities give more back to the UAF campus community, tangibly, and in some cases, help unite it.

Joyride's over. I want my keys back.

- C.Swartz
Senior, Russian Studies

'Chilly'

2008-02-04T14:01:00.000-08:00

So, I was listening to the radio on the way to class this morning, and the DJ had the nerve to call temperatures of -45 and -50' Fahrenheit 'chilly'... Not that it makes much of a difference after about -20'...beyond that, what temperature it is is purely an academic curiosity. So, for those of you who know where Fairbanks, Alaska is and have experienced the hellishly cold winters (and even for those of you who don't or haven't), here is my 'cold scale', in descending order *patent pending*:

50-40' = 'HELLO, HAWAI'I!'/walking and running weather
36' (the temperature at which water begins to freeze) = 'pleasantly brisk'/insulated biking weather
30' = 'cool'/still t-shirt weather
20' = 'nippy'/might want to put a sweater on
10' = light jacket advisable...wool socks for good measure
0' = 'extra layer'
-10' = 'chilly'
-20' = 'cold'
-25' to -30' = 'insert-string-of-expletives-here COLD!'
-40' or lower = '-what? You're ****ing kidding, right? Forget it. No, seriously, I am NOT getting out of bed. No. NO. Go to hell.'

Feel free to edit as you see fit. Have a wonderful, 'chilly' day. The current temperature is -40, and slated for -50 tonight.

Here we go again...

2008-01-14T17:18:00.000-08:00

You cannot legislate morality to that extent....AND PORN IS NOT AN INTELLIGENCE OPERATION!
Click here for the story

Go Ahead...

2008-01-08T15:22:00.001-08:00

IGNORE climate change and global warming! Pay no attention to the impending energy crisis (after all, what will you use when petro products are systematically regulated?)! Deny that it exists and is, in fact, happening. This one's especially for those in this country that enjoy their red meat, their Panzer-sized SUVs, and their shiny new consumer goods from the latest development in technology. So, watch as the food chain is upset and it is harder and harder to get wild game for sport hunting, let alone a subsistence food source. Continue to be blissfully ignorant as the polar bears move south and begin placing a new stress on the local ecosystems of the north. Watch as animals become more and more impinged upon, and then be astonished as they begin to 'invade your territory' (stupid human, they were here first). Biologists are already reporting the southward shifting of polar bears, attacks of unafraid wolf packs on dogs and people. Environmental scientists are reporting rising in the sea level, radical climate changes overall.

Still want to ignore it? What will you say when the coastal world is under water? "Ooops"? "Sorry, we didn't realize it would be this quick"? You know, that sounds about as lame as the Federal Government's claim that they had intelligence on the World Trade Center Bombings of 2001 (YES, I REFUSE to call it '9-11', especially after so many idiots wanted to name my generation that...do you realize what kind of a weight that is??), but essentially ignored it and did not investigate because the implications were not serious enough, or some other such nonsense. Of course, what do I know, technically a 2nd or 3rd class citizen in my own country, which I am, by some perverse sense of logic, supposed to love for all that it has allowed done to me and people like me. Get real. This is the Soviet Union, and minorities are the Ukraine.

So True

2008-01-07T13:48:00.000-08:00

"The Presidency tends, year by year, to go to such men. As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." (Baltimore Evening Sun, July 26, 1920) - H.L. Mencken

On Hypocrisy

2008-01-07T09:26:00.000-08:00

Neo-conservatives. Does anyone remember how this country came to be? Why our ancestors were originally sent here? That is correct, I am referring to something other than the great Revolutionary War that kicked off the America as we now know it. Our ancestors were originally deported here from England for heresy, fled for the New World for...what? Freedom of Religion. Does anyone besides myself frind it ironic that the descendants of those seeking that same freedom are now condemning others for their sexual orientation, belief system or various other convictions? Oh, wait...the original Pilgrims (Puritans) were a people so uptight that the British kicked them out. Does anyone find this inflammatory or offensive? Good. There are two bumper stickers I would now like to quote, to make my point:

Puritanism: the haunting fear that somone,

somewhere, may be happy - H.L. Mencken

If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.

With that, I leave you with your thoughts. I hope this provokes them.

What of the Adult World?

2008-01-03T01:11:00.000-08:00

(image courtesy of http://www.julianonsoftware.com/, forbes.com, msnbc.com)

So, it has been determined for us when we will stop dreaming, how we will grow up, and what we will become. So, reality or 'real life' per the majority has been unveiled to us, and becomes increasingly dull to us after having survived long enough to take our first legal gulps of alcohol. The right to vote? George W. Bush and a few others have made that a laughingstock. Stocks and bonds, or similarly 'easy' ways of obtaining tangible financial success? Oops! Sorry! The economy's shot, too! It's all downhill from here. Sportscars? Nope, we have energy and pollution crises on our hands (although the larger portion of influential politicians would have you believing otherwise). No high speeds for you.

So, what is it the people who are such great proponents of growing up would have you look forward to, now? Adulthood is a puzzle of financial indebtment that you are taught, through lifelong excruciating programming, to enjoy and want, because your auto or house loan is a step up in gaining more credit, and thereby being taken seriously as a financial being. The news is something we're advised to ignore, so as not to affect our delicate psyches and by proxy, our precious productivity. Materialism is the new god, and everyone must have the latest computer, phone, or similar all-in-one, hand-held-palmtop-office-slash-communication-device (e.g. the Blackberry). Capitalism is its mother, shunting herself forward through time through some alchemy that defies all reason. Honestly, haven't we been here before, in some form or fashion? If one were to look at history, it would not be hard to see that I'm not too far off the mark. Have we learned nothing?

Take your concepts of adulthood and sell them to someone who'll listen. Your words are lost here. Have fun with your debt; I'll be seeking the mountains and sea.

On Religion

2007-12-23T23:18:00.000-08:00

So, I was watching this special on CBS tonight called "In God's Name"...and these guys took interviews with practitioners and believers of several different religions and denominations of religions worldwide (Catholicism, Orthodoxy, Baptist, Lutheran, Shinto, Islam, Judaism...you get the picture), and did not go so far as to COMPARE these, as to say, "look, there is nothing in any of these that necessarily - if at all - condones violence as an answer, especially in God's name." Being as I'm not at all a religious person, I found all of this very interesting, and perhaps even enlightening. Would it be too much to ask the politicians of this world to take this basic concept into account when they go to war? What makes the people of the world any less sacred than some text that one worships, or the concepts therein? Why is it so easy to distance ourselves with labels like "Us" and "Them", bold proclamations - to quote our genius president, George W. Bush, such as "EVILDOERS". Come on..."evildoers"? What book did that come out of? Are we not all indoctrinated with the basic concepts that people need respect, that living a good life and not hurting others is the best you can possibly do or hope for? So many questions, so few answers. Will we survive our own warlike tendencies, or will we only succeed in irreparably damaging the sphere we live on for the use of future generations?

On Children as People

2007-12-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

What is it in us that just cannot seem to take children seriously? They are property, they are little carbon-copies of ourselves, they are vessels to be filled and nourished, they are anything other than what they actually are: Tiny, developing human beings, with legitimate likes and dislikes, cares, feelings, senses and perceptions of the world around them.

If an adult has a bad day and expresses it as such, if they describe - for example - the typical wreck that a Monday can be, we immediately empathize, if we've had similar experience, or offer some equally serious anecdote or advice. On the other hand, if a child of about five expresses a similar experience or dislike about her or his day, many of us do not hesitate to dismiss them as tired or tell them to take a nap, go play, or "man up", depending on the physical sex of that child. Or worse yet, we pretend to listen, dismiss them to go play, and then forget about the matter entirely, except to recount it to our friends as, "It was so cute - the other day, little..." And so the cycle begins again. Had that child been about nine or ten, they would have been "exaggerating", of course. Had it been a teen, they would have been "inexperienced and melodramatic".

Has it ever really occurred to any of us that maybe - just maybe - the killers, high school- and university-campus shooters, the extreme behavioral problems, the withdrawn children, tweens and teens with occasional outbursts of anger, the dropouts, the addicts, the... Well, the list goes on, but did it ever occur to anyone that these and many others like them (even the well-adjusted, "everyday" kids) did not need systematic psychological probing, but just to have their feelings taken seriously, to begin with? That maybe they just wanted somebody to listen to them and treat them as a human being instead of as a pre-adult, pre-legal-rights human being that knows no better? No...that would just be too simple. After all, what do kids know?

Pleh.

2007-12-03T18:39:00.000-08:00

Stop the world, I want to get off. Ever notice how almost every professor of just about every upper-division course (i.e. 300 or 400 level) seems to think that THEIR class is the only one you have, come time for presentations, final examinations, term papers, et cetera? Phooey. Can't wait until I graduate.

Academics - an exercise in futility?

2007-11-29T00:26:00.001-08:00

Very possibly, yes. I'm not entirely sure, by the way, where this 'poster' originated from, but it seems to summarize my feeling concerning academia right now. No, I cannot claim credit.

Overwhelming helplessness is consuming my vision of myself and situation. Any way out has been camouflaged. I wish to return home and curl up in front of the fireplace and sleep for an indefinite period of time. Knowledge feels transient, thought is a labor of pain, depression may be setting in; this weary traveler is unsure of many things besides these, and is unable to distinguish dark from light at this point in time. The thought, 'I wish to be alone' circles over and again, but I know that this is not what I need, because I already feel alone enough to consider drowning my sorrows in endorphine overindulgence, otherwise known as running my body into the ground at the gym. Already this week, there have been several hours spent on an elliptical resistance machine. Vacation will be more than welcome, and is already being wished into existence. Sleep now, think of more later.

Ah...home...

2007-11-22T12:21:00.000-08:00

I am not going home for Murdered Turkey Day, as the gas prices and cost of airline tickets are prohibitive, and I have too much to get done in the academic sphere to really allow me to go. So, in Squarebanks I remain, plugging away at blogs, carvings, papers and presentations in two different languages. Le sigh.

Sense of accomplishment may ensue...

2007-11-14T00:04:00.000-08:00

Yes, I feel rather accomplished, having completed the bulk of my assignments for the week in just under six hours' work. So much more yet to do, though, and I am sure my professor is disgusted with me. My shoulders miss the circle of arms they have become accustomed to resting in over the past few months, and though this trial of scheduling for down time is most likely a good thing, it doesn't mean that I can't miss it.

Note to self: 'flu shots do not hurt until HOURS AFTER THE FACT. I am not entirely sure that the shot this afternoon was such a good idea, but oh well.

A scintillating sheen of frost greeted me upon returning to my car this evening, and I am reminded that, in spite of global warming, it still gets cold around this time of year. I will be breaking out the heavy-duty winter gear tonight, to let it have some air.

Friends and family are now insisting on getting hold of me, and one suggested getting smashed and smoking cloves this weekend, something I have not done in a long while...I do not think I am up to making my lungs bleed anytime in this life, and drinking myself into a stupor does not sound like fun at this point in time, given recent events.

I find myself wishing for warmer days gone by, for citrus tastes of summer and cold iced tea. How I wish to have done more hiking this year, more kayaking...just MORE. Quickly and indiscriminately, I tire of the various work sectors of the adult world that I have occupied, for however brief a time. Responsibility? Only because it's been bred into me.

Of Life and Things

2007-11-12T21:27:00.000-08:00

Since this is the 'kickoff' post to this blog, I feel compelled to do something special. However, my brain is on overload; has been for at least the past week, so 'something special' may have to wait for a bit.

This is my exploration into self, my place for creative thought and prosaic overtures. It is where I send my stress at day's end, contemplate my transgressions and reiterate my truths. I may share artworks, poetry, prose, stories, photos, ideas, et cetera, with the distinct understanding that anything and everything I post here is copyright: ME, and will not be used without my expressed and explicit permission. That is all for now.